The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Playoff Beards of 2013
All hockey fans know that with the approach of every playoff season, players put down their razors and start growing playoff beards in hopes that the extra hair will bring good fortune to their team in the postseason. With the third round officially in full swing and the Stanley Cup Finals just a few games away, fans can expect to see facial hair of all shapes and sizes across the league.
Whether your favourite player can actually grow a beard, however, is the question. Too many players have already been spotted growing “things” on their faces that would never actually classify as a beard. Some grow patchy disasters while others are so young they can barely grow enough hair to cover their chins.
And so, here we are counting down the worst, the top 10 most embarrassing playoff beards of 2013 NHL Playoffs, looking at teams from the first round to the present. Everyone knows who the players with the best beards are because they’re obvious and have been covered too many times, but the bad ones take a bit more time to spot from the pack. Pictures have been included for your enjoyment, because let’s face it: they’re hilarious.
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10. Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks
The Hawks captain doesn’t have much to show for three rounds of playoff hockey. When his teammates joke that Toews can’t grow a beard, they’re serious; he really can’t. He has some decent sideburns that connect to a messy neck beard, but that isn’t what most hockey fans and players would consider a ‘cool playoff beard’. In fact, neck beards don’t count as nice beards in general, no matter how thick they may be. Sorry guys, but nobody likes a neck beard.
9. Dustin Brown, L.A. Kings
We’re pretty sure that Brown’s playoff beard is the definition of “scraggly”. It’s like an unruly plant decided to take over his face, growing unevenly in random places and purposely not connecting any section just to see how funny it would look. His light-coloured hair doesn’t help either because you barely see the hair he might have.
8. Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals
While some people would say Ovechkin has a nice playoff beard, many others would disagree. We can admit that, unlike most players on this list, he can actually grow a lot of hair on his face and look good. But that doesn’t mean it looks good all the time. Ovechkin is another perpetrator of the neck beard that, when left unkempt in the playoffs, grows out of control and ends up looking mangy and awful.
7. Logan Couture, San Jose Sharks
Couture is a young player that can’t grow anything other than a messy, not-quite-fully-formed beard. He’s managed a meagre chinstrap and a dirty moustache that doesn’t connect to anything else on his face, but nothing more. We asked ourselves whether these young guys should just stop attempting to grow beards if they know they can’t, but then we remembered how silly they look trying and determined it’s worth it.
6. Dion Phaneuf, Toronto Maple Leafs
What’s with captains not being able to grow decent facial hair? Phaneuf only had one round to try and grow a playoff beard (I bet there are a lot of Leafs fans still shedding tears over this), but I don’t think more time would have done him any good. His beard looked like it belonged to a 16-year-old high school boy, instead of to the 28-year-old man that he is. It never filled in properly and was too contained to ever grow into a luscious, notable playoff beard.
5. Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks
Kane’s beard-growing abilities are so bad that he doesn’t even bother trying anymore. He attempted one in 2010 when the Hawks won the Stanley Cup, but was razzed for his measly blonde mutton chops by his teammates so much that he now grows mullets instead. With the resurrection of the playoff mullet this year, he hopes his trend will spread to those in the league not blessed with beard genetics.
4. Brad Marchand, Boston Bruins
Voted as the worst playoff beard by his team, Marchand has been trying for years without much luck. The picture isn’t great quality but you can still see his awful patchy beard that is sparse in some spots and bushy in others. He also can’t seem to escape the dreaded neck hair, which actually makes up his entire playoff beard and therefore makes it horrid.
3. Valtteri Filppula, Detroit Red Wings
This Fin’s blonde hair really hinders his ability to grow any semblance of a visible playoff beard. Filppula has a few facial whiskers that can sometimes be seen under certain light, but not much else. And being on the Red Wings, he is under the shadow of impressive veteran beards grown by players such as Zetterberg, Bertuzzi, and Franzen.
2. Tyler Bozak, Toronto Maple Leafs
Once again, here is another youngster that can’t seem to grow out of his pubescent porn star ‘stache stage. While we’ll give Bozak credit for only having one round in the playoffs to work on his essentially nonexistent beard, it was a pretty feeble attempt considering the glorious flow he’s managed to grow this season. Maybe he can only grow one masterpiece at a time?
1. Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
Sidney Crosby is the reason we even created this list in the first place. His infamous prepubescent “playoff beard” lives on year after year as the butt of many jokes, despite all his best efforts to grow a real one. While it looks like it might finally be filling in a bit this year, Sid the Kid still has a long way to go. His scrubby teen-stache lives on, but at least it’s not 100% downright embarrassing anymore.
Think there are other players with embarrassingly bad playoff beards? Let us know!
